Lately, I have been mad. Angry at life and at my own shortcomings. Irritated at how no matter how hard I try, nothing seems to go smoothly. Mainly, I've realized how much I hate my human nature. I hate that I am so prone to selfishness, pettiness, bitterness and weakness. I hate that I struggle and strive to be a woman of character, of virtue, but somehow always stumble around. I want to delight God, make Him smile, but I think I break His heart more often then not. So, I've spent some time thinking about the woman I want to be. These are the characteristics I came up with --- the ones I hold closest to my heart, the ones I see God refining in me over these last years. I wanted to write them down, to remember them, so that when I am acting out of pain or bitterness, or being selfish, or forgetful of the promised fruit of the righteous man, I can think about the fact that I am made new every day by Jesus.

And then, maybe I can be a woman who loves fiercely, who gives freely, who forgives loyally, who surrenders easily, and who trusts patiently.

With all that said, I pray that if nothing else, I'll be a woman of....

Radical compassion (When I was in Africa for that month in high school, one of my friends coined this term, and it has stuck with me all these years. Radical compassion means not just human sympathy, but a deep understanding that has the ability to change your life, as well as the life of those around you.) 

A gentle spirit (1 Peter 3:4. Like the godly women of old, may I have the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.)

Steadfast strength (Life is really difficult. It's downright painful and confusing sometimes. But I don't want to crumble. I hope that I'll be a woman who chooses to keep going, finding a refuge under great and mighty wings, in the shadow of a rock shelter. I want to trust God's existence and his faithfulness to me, and I want to mirror His steadfast lovingkindness.) 

A tranquil heart (Proverbs 14:30. I want to be at peace with myself, with others during my whole life. A heart at peace gives life to the body. I can bask in the fact that I have a God to whom I can pour out the angst in my heart, and that He'll refill me again and again.) 

Wise discernment (I hope I'll learn from every mistake, always have a teachable attitude, never be afraid to ask forgiveness, take responsibility for my actions, and change for the better as I grow older. I hope that I'll never stop seeking wisdom and learning to hear God's voice.) 

Joyous nature (I want to always find things to be happy about. Because if I've learned anything  in the last few years, it's that true joy has to be worked for, but you can manage to find it in any circumstance. Because God is good.)

Thoughtful words (James 1:19. I want to speak kindly and honestly, with integrity and with encouragement. I want to be slow to anger, quick to listen, gracious in speech.) 

And I know that I have and will consistently fall short of these things. So why even try? I've had that thought a lot lately. I'm ridiculously human, and it makes me mad. But, I guess the fact is that while I'm here on earth, I'm going to fall short. The beauty of loving God is that He loves me regardless, so it's not about the actions. I've come to realize that the closest I get to heaven on earth is by pursuing Him, right? And He is faithful to find me, protect me, save me, guide me, change me. And that's what I want. So, by seeking God, hopefully I'll start to look more and more like Him.  Psalms says, "Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for those who are gracious and compassionate and righteous.  Good will come to those who are generous and lend freely, who conduct their affairs with justice.  Surely the righteous will never be shaken; they will be remembered forever. They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord. Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear." 

mellifluous |məˈlifloōəs|
adjective
(of a voice or words) sweet or musical; pleasant to hear: "the voice was mellifluous and smooth."
sweet-sounding, dulcet, honeyed, mellow, soft, liquid, silvery, soothing, rich, smooth, euphonious, harmonious

The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
- Audrey Hepburn

Things that make me happy tonight...

Tonight I'm thankful. I'm thankful for the Les Miserables Broadway music that gets stuck in my head. I'm happy because of all the good movies coming out in December (The Hobbit, Anna Karenina, Great Gatsby, Les Mis, Ender's Game), and because I have a sister who gets just as excited to watch the trailers as I do. I'm thankful for biographies telling the true stories of those who changed the world-- like Steve Jobs with his intersection between aesthetics and technology. I'm thankful that I have happy childhood memories, and that simply watching an old Cary Grant movie brings it all back. I grateful there are so many stories from history to learn from, and new ones to tell. I'm happy that there are superhero movies, canoes and sailboats, dogs that snore, small towns, churches, and small kids who wear glasses.  I am happy because such a thing as libraries exist. I'm thankful for long conversations around the dinner table, and for friends who make me feel utterly comfortable in my own skin. I'm happy for the cool breeze on a summer evening, and having all the doors and windows open. Tonight, I'm happy for these things.