"Love is not love which alters when alteration finds or bends with the remover to remove. No, it is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken." --Shakespeare (and Sense and Sensibility)

Goodbye Room

Goodbye Room full of 4 sweet roomies
Goodbye laughing and dancing and movies

Goodbye bathroom that's always so cold,
I won't miss the two faucets, or the mold

Goodbye hall that makes Kelsey's ring shine,
I'll miss running down to our door with signs

Goodbye staircase that's scary at night,
Go down, see spider web, then turn right

Goodbye living room full of people and noise
Hanging out and Nintendo with cussing boys

Goodbye Freezer Room- good homework times
The poster, the freezer, and the invading vine

Goodbye bustling kitchen, I'll miss you the most
Food group, music, and alarms from burning toast

Goodbye cake, Psych, guitars, and tea
Months of inside jokes and lovely memories

Goodbye house, where we never felt alone
Goodbye Crick, you've been a true home

Ode to Oxford

Oh my beautiful Oxford. I can't believe I almost have to leave you! I love every minute I've spent in your beautiful city! I love how you're a city, yet you're small enough that I still run into people I know while walking on the streets. I love the bikes zizzing by and filling up every pathway. I love the streets lined tall with architecturally gorgeous buildings. Everywhere you look, it takes your breath away. I love the dreary gray weather and the way colors light up against them. I love the red telephone booths and post boxes. I love hearing everyone speak in accent on the streets. "Cheers" and "Hiya" are two of my favorite words now. I don't think that I will miss the girls in leggings, but I did love making fun of them! I love that I have to wear a hat, scarf, boots, and coats as a necessity rather than an accessory. I love all the tempting clothing stores and fun souvenir shops. I love the long expanses of green, tree-covered parks. I love the churches, steeples, clocks. I love how old and famous the library I study in is. The security to get in to read is more intense than at an airport. And it's still amazing to me that sometimes when I'm heading in to study, there's a tour group right outside. Plus Susan from Narnia studies in the same library! I love the cobblestone streets, and the way they look splattered in the rain. I love the antique bookstores, the bustling streets, the pubs. The smells of Lush Body Soap and alcohol and fish and chips and cigarettes and wet pavement. I love seeing professors walk by with their elbow patches and book bags. And walking down the street hearing a group of English boys talking about Dante's "Paradise." I love the energy and sass, yet the solemnity and history of this place. It is so steeped in history and academia. I love that I have to walk anywhere up to 6 miles a day, come rain or sun or 30 degree weather. I love that pounds are just as natural to me as dollars (finally). I love that I walk along the places that so many great men have. I love that I studied CS Lewis and read his works while sitting at the same pub where he discussed them. I love that I can hop on a bus or train and be anywhere in the UK or Europe in a flash. I love that I know the whole city like the back of my hand: the best pub, coffee place, inexpensive clothes, tea place, library. I love that I have spots and niches where I feel like I belong. I guess that's it. I belong in this city. I'm not just a tourist, but I'm a part of it. I walk down the cobblestone road, hat on head, backpack full of Bodleian books on my back, and I actually get to be an Oxford student. It will be hard to leave a place that has become so much a home.

The Tree Outside My Window

The rutted spine of the trunk
Curves into a sponged sky
Diffusing to branched nerves
That feel at blankness of clouds

A scarred shell of bark
Thick coils of wood winding
Up to brittle stems webbed
Higher than a spider’s range.

The dim arrival of twilight etches
Its figure onto a pallid canvas
And wisp ends of branches are
Bleached out by the gray

Oxford Christmas Light Night!

Imagine Disneyland and Christmas all rolled into one...and that is the Christmas Night Light in Oxford. Tonight was a spectacular memory.
Cornmarket street was strung with lights across the tall buildings, twinkling merrily.
All down the streets and cobblestoned allies, vendors sold glow sticks and Santa balloons. Broad Street was closed down entirely and became a solid mob of families, kids, strollers, wheelchairs, students.
Tents and booths lined the side walks, selling food and warm chestnuts, jewelry and Christmas paraphernalia. We bought the most amazing sugary, doughy donuts.
Every shop in Oxford stayed open-- lit up and decorated festively. Small kids in snow hats and furry jackets rode on the shoulders of parents as everyone pushed towards the huge Christmas tree in the middle of the street.
When the bell chimed 6, all the street lights were turned off and all the Christmas decorations turned on! Every lampost was frosted with twinkle lights. The colored lights from the Christmas tree dazzled the whole street. The loud speaker played Christmas music (and some random Debussy and Norah Jones!). Flashing spotlights danced on the walls of the old stone buildings. All of Oxford was alive, twinkling, bustling with Christmas cheer. Parades marched down every main street with trumpets, dancing, singing.
On Broad St., all the elementary school children carried poles strung with lit-up paper stars and angels.
On Cornmarket St, there was a band all dressed up as Santas.
The Oxford Castle had ice carving and fake snow.
The Ashmolean Museum had cider, wine, and a strange women's choir.
I walked down the street in the brisk, freezing night air in my hat and mittens, singing christmas carols out loud with my friends (seriously).
I tried to take it all in-- the sparkling, magical sights and sounds of Christmas, and I couldn't have been more happy.

Hearts

"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armor. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it."

“The natural loves (affection, friendship, and eros) prove that they are unworthy to take the place of God by the fact that they cannot even remain themselves and do what they promise without God’s help.”

--C.S. Lewis from The Four Loves

King Alfred's Jewel

This is a creative writing assignment. I went to the Ashmolean Museum here in Oxford (sooo cool!) and looked at a jewel that is from King Alfred the Great, the British Anglo Saxon King from the 800's AD. It was lovely. So here's my description of it:

Fragile as a raindrop
With a snowflake’s intricacy
The flecks of colored gems
Blend in mosaic delicacy

A saintly face peers out
In the fragments that are whole
Entombed in the web
Of pure gossamer gold

The twisted threads weave
A tale of aged legacy
Enwreathed exquisite jewel
Exhibits King’s supremacy

Wisdom

"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere."

James 3:17

The Beloved Burford the Stoodle

On our way to see the town of Burford, in Cotswolds of England, Kelsey and I created a Children's book character! His name is Burford and he's a stoodle. What is a stoodle, one might ask? Well, I am pleased to enlighten you. Burford is the only one of his kind. He looks slightly like a bear. He has cute cuddly ears, and a big fluffy body. And he's blue. Burford lives under the big knotty roots of Mr. Tree. Mr. Tree (who has a slight stutter) tickles Burford with his roots in the morning to wake him up. Burford is enamored with leaves, he collects them and sleeps on them for his bed. He burrows into them until only his butt and little tail stick out. And yes, he has polk-a-dots on his butt. But considering he can't see them, he doesn't believe they're actually there. He has a big towel that he keeps on a large spool in his cave. Whenever he gets wet, which he hates, he pulls out his huge towel and rub rub rubs it on his back and wiggle wiggle wiggles his little polk-a-dotted bottom. He also keeps a comb in his cave, which he uses to keep his fur nice and soft. Burford is known for his big belly laugh, which can wake up the whole forest. His favorite pastime is to roll down grassy hills. He just plunks onto the hill and down his big cuddly body rolls! Burford makes the noise bur bur (one high and one low).
As for his friends, Burford's best friend is Murdle the Curly Tailed Squirrel. But don't mention to him his curly tail, for Murdle is very sensative about it. He also lives in Mr. Tree. He chatters away quickly, sometime too rapidly for Burford, and that is how they get into their crazy hairbrained adventures. They are also friends with Priscilla the Butterfly. Well, Burford and Priscilla are friends. She and Murdle don't always get along, you see. Murdle the Squirrel like to call her names like "Prissy" or "Miss Priss" and that does not go over well with our little butterfly friend!
But they all live happily and peacefully. And Burford the Stoodle is unbelievably cute and lovable!

3 Views of Oxford from 3 Points of View

View 1: Student on the way to the Bodleian Library (down Parks Road)

I breathe in the crystal-thin morning air
Fresh breeze and shy sunshine by layer
The grey sky above is a slate wiped clean
It inspires thought and jolly adventure

Down the lane, the brick houses peer
Through windows winking with cheer
My boots crunch the gold, dried leaves
Breaking through the suspended clear

I’m at the main road just as the world stirs
The bicycles clack and cars swish, whir
Then the rain falls, slowly at first
Stones turn a mosaic pattern

Cobblestones, spotted and smooth
To their own rhythm they ebb and move
The road curves in dappled shadow
Trees wave; orange and red duel

Ivy crawls the stone walls
The air smells crisply of fall
The lane is dotted with red-paned booths,
And in the distance, spires stretch tall

I've almost reached the edge of town
And the library ahead seems to say aloud,
“Enter these doors as so many before,
Let a plethora of wisdom abound.”



View 2: Older Woman walking in University Parks

The breeze holds a chill, but the warmth of the sun still clings. Slowly, she makes her way across the uneven grass. Her cane prods the clots of soft ground in front of her, gingerly testing. She makes her way to her favorite bench, right at the edge of the pond. The water laps against its muddy shore, and ducks cause lazy rings across the pond's surface. The maple tree behind her casts polk-a-dot shadows, shading her face from the mellow afternoon sun. Across the pond, the meadow, and over the small rivers and bridges, she sees the spires of Oxford peaking above the autumn line of trees. In the stillness of the afternoon, a child's laughter wafts by airily. She can see a little boy picnicking with his mum under the fir tree down the pathway. He is collecting his sandwich crusts to feed to the ducks later, happily chatting to no one in particular. And so, she smiles, tilting her head to catch a ray of sun as it filters fragile warmth through the maple leaves. The clock tower begins to chime in the distance. Four soft rings calling from the town centre. She's breathing in the mustiness of dried leaves and newly-mowed grass...she's listening to the child's giggles and the duck calls... she's gently snoring as she dozes off.


View 3: Dialogue (One-Sided) of a woman walking down Cornmarket Street with a friend

“Goodness! It’s so busy down on Cornmarket tonight! Look at that mob! Such an awful lot of heads bobbing about. Just look at that, dear! Why’d Susanne choose this pub again? Oh yes, that’s right. We like this one. Very cozy, great wine selection. Yes, yes I do remember now. We should hurry so she won’t be waiting on us.
Whew, feel that wind. The minute the sun starts going down it does get chilly doesn’t it? I’m so glad I grabbed my raincoat. It looks like we might see a little rain later...
Oh! Oh my goodness! That boy almost got ran over by that car! Scared me half to death! Those bicyclists take their own life into their hands, that’s for certain. I would not want to witness that collision. It’s just so hectic around here, how do these drivers stop from killing people on their way home?
Yes, yes I suppose you’re right. One becomes good at anything if they do it enough. This crosswalk is certainly taking forever to turn green.
Oh, here we go! Come along dear, don’t get lost in the crowd. I do hope that Jim puts the kiddies to bed on time; they have school tomorrow, you know.
Will you look at those scarves! Such bright, beautiful colors, aren’t they? I know, I love them too. I have a positive weakness for them actually. They’re such a temptation when they are sold right on the street. I’ve bought...well I won’t tell you how many scarves I own. It’s a ridiculous amount I assure you.
Oh, listen to that guitar. It’s a nice little tune actually. Some of the street performers along here are quite odd. Yes, I’ve seen the dancer as well. It does add color the city, I’ll give you that. Have you seen the violinist who plays on a tight rope? It’s really the craziest thing...
No thank you sir, not tonight. Why do they call it "Big Issue," dear? Do you know? Well yes, I see.
Come along, dear. We’re almost there. Look at that group of kids, just hanging around that bench. I hope that girl isn’t smoking, though I wouldn’t be surprised. Yes, she is! I could smell it as we walked by. Not good for her poor lungs. It almost looks like we are smoking too; it’s cold enough to see your breath in front of you.
Excuse us, excuse us! Sometimes you have to push a bit, you know? Oh finally, here we are at last! I’m so looking forward to a warm room to relax in. Look, I see Susanne ordering her merlot at the bar. Come along, dear.

Psalm 73: 22-26

I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

Yet You are always with me;
you hold me by my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

Joyful Days!

"Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough."-Emily Dickinson 

"With an eye made quiet by the power of harmony, and the deep power of joy, we see into the life of things." -William Wordsworth

Oh to be Happy

I skip over cobblestones,
Under trees of cherry red
In this dappled lane
I find I'm happy again

I breath in the air
Silvery and fresh
A bubble of laughter
Builds in my chest

A pulse that is steady
My heart beats alive
I never want to come down
From these glorious heights

Oh to be happy
This must be divine
My skin will burst
Full of this golden light

"Love to faults is always blind, always is to joy inclined. Lawless, winged, and unconfined, and breaks all chains from every mind."
--William Shakespeare

Beautiful Moment

Sometimes life in its beauty stuns you. It hits you at the most random moments. Since being here in England, I've realized how intricately tied the different lovely aspects of this life are: Architecture...music...history...food...art...nature...literature... These things are a part of what makes us alive, truly alive.
I'm sitting in the upstairs portion of my favorite coffee shop here in Oxford "Greens Cafe". It's painted a soft green, there's artwork hanging on the walls and fresh flowers on the tables. There's a fire place in one corner by the bookshelves stocked with books. I've got my tea in a huge mug and my homework spread out all over the table. The window next to me is open and I can feel the mellow autumn sunshine. Outside is a beautiful brick building, probably hundreds of years old, covered in vines and sheltered by green trees. Right next door out the open window, is the moss-covered roof of the pub where CS Lewis and JRR Tolkien sat and discussed life. The clouds are starting to cover the sun and I can smell coolness in the air. The couple across the room are talking gently to each other in French. The older gentleman sitting on the couch wearing a jacket and glasses is deep in a book, ignoring his chocolate muffin. And here I am, soaking it all in with the soft strains of piano music in my headphones while pondering the literary influence of King Arthur and Robin Hood on British nationalism.
Sometimes all those beautiful aspects of life collide together at once...and they create a perfect moment.

Quote of the Day

"Pride and Prejudice is so intense! I mean its no Bourne Identity but I'm still at the edge of my seat!" -Annalyssa

London Itinerary

TUESDAY
1. Airplane Trip to Heathrow Airport (Hell...or if that's a bit extreme, at least an extremely uncomfortable, claustrophobic, sleepless Purgatory)
2. Tube ride to Hotel (Ecstatic...I loved my first glimpse of England. It is everything I'd hoped.)
3. Check in to Hotel (Cute...a doll's size room with a view of a cobblestone street)
4. Lunch/ Dinner at Wagamama (Delicious...I was starving! And those noodles were so good)
5. Walk to the Bus Station (Rainy...which I love! On our walk we saw Kensington Gardens. We might have gotten a tad lost too)
6. Bus ride on a double decker bus! (Idyllic...what could London be without a big red bus! We saw the closer half of the city until we were too exhausted to go any farther)
7. Gelato (Mint Chip...what else?)
8. Grocery Shop at the nearby market for breakfast food (Um....too tired to remember much about that.)
9. Early to Bed (Needed...I was pretty cranky I can't lie. So bed was pretty heavenly)

WEDNESDAY
1. Donuts! (Yum)
2. Double Decker Bus (Amazing!...we saw the rest of the city. All the tourist spots like Big Ben, London Eye, Tower Bridge, London Bridge, Tower of London, St. Paul's, and pretty much all the cool, beautiful, historic parts of the city! We listened on headphones and got a ton of background history. You wouldn't believe all the views we got from the top story of the bus. I loved it that it sprinkled a bit too! This was one of those surreal experiences. I was just sitting there thinking, "This can't be happening to me")
3. Lunch to go. We ate it at a park in front of an old church (Perfect...paninis and salad and a beautiful quiet garden)
4. More getting lost and riding around on the tube (Still fun...I am getting a hang of the tube! Slowly but surely! My foot did get stuck in one of the entrance gates, but that's a bit too embarrassing to talk about. In one of the stations, someone was playing the saxophone which echoed beautifully all through the tunnels. Also, my mom and I got so wrapped up in people watching that we even missed our exit)
5. A cruise down the Thames River (Wow...we saw more stunning views of the city, went under all the different bridges, and got glimpses of the Shakespeare Globe, extremely old pubs, the Tate Museum, and more of Big Ben and the rest of London's fabulous skyline)
6. The Tower of London (Well...we just walked around the grounds which were surprisingly gorgeous. We're going inside tomorrow. It's the most medieval building still standing in London. It looks terrifying and pretty and historic all wrapped into one.)
8. Coffee Break (Rejuvenating...cutest little cafe overlooking the Tower Bridge. We watched the rain pour outside the window and sipped frothy coffees in real mugs)
7. Westminster Abbey (Historic...of course it was beautiful; it made me want to just sit down in awe to pray. The ceilings were my favorite and the stain glass windows came in close second. But hands down, the best part for me was the historical aspect. I saw the tombs of Queen Elizabeth, several King Henry's and Edwards, Mary Queen of Scots, and Chaucer. I mean...wow. That's a ton of really historical figures just right there. Not to mention the hundreds more tombs that were there, along with all the tiny chapels tucked away and dedicated to famous historical figures. Some oddities: a monument to Shakespeare (in a church?!) and the tomb of evolutionist Charles Darwin.)
8. Trafalgar Square to the National Gallery (Bummer...it ended up being closed, we got our times wrong. But the square was beautiful at dusk with fountains and monuments and the glistening wet streets from the rain.)
9. Dinner (Fabulous...I was hungry. We went to this really cute Italian place. Who said English food was bad? So far, we haven't had a bad meal! We had pizza and salad and I think I almost ate the entire pizza by myself!)
10. Back to the hotel (Bedtime...early start tomorrow)

WEDNESDAY
1. Tower of London (Medieval....I couldn't believe i was standing in THE Tower of London. It was insanely cool. There was still etchings in the cells from prisoners. Much of the tower was blocked off, we only saw a few cells. The rest was old chapels and bed chambers for the royalty that stayed there in times of distress. I thought it was interesting they really were trying to make it seem like a glorified castle rather than the grim place it really used to be. The grounds were beautiful though! Who would have thought? And it was sooo old! That's what blew my mind. Sitting in the middle of this thriving city is this almost perfectly reserved place of history. So much history.)
2. Buckingham Palace. (Stately...just like a place for royalty should be. We didn't go inside or in the gardens in back because they charge absurd amounts, but it was fun to see it. The park next to it was sprawling acres of green gorgeousness. While walking around the grounds we ate some ham paninis!)
3. British Library (Awesome....being a massive book lover, this blew me away. There was an exhibition where we saw first edition Shakespeare, handwritten notes of Jane Austen, handwritten jottings of Bach, Handel, Beetoven, and the Beatles! There was drawings of Di Vinci as well! All in their own hands, it was so cool! The library itself was many stories tall just full of shelves of books. I could have been there for hours!)
4. Quick change into clothes to go see Les Miserables (Little black dress!)
5. Dinner (So good...at this little Italian place next to the theatre. Their lasagna was to die for! It was fun to be a bit dressed up too!)
6. Les Miserables (Speechless...I laughed, I cried. I knew I loved the story and the music, but you put it all together with some great actors and singers and you get chills! It was unbelievable I didn't want it to end! And the music has been stuck in my head ever since! Such an amazing experience).
7. Get ready Oxford here I come!

The Ocean

“The Four Winds Lighthouse was built on a spur of red sandstone cliff jutting out into the gulf. On one side, across the channel, stretched the silvery sand shore of the bar; on the other, extended a long, curving beach of red cliffs, rising steeply from the pebbled coves. It was a shore that knew the magic and mystery of storm and star. There is a great solitude about such a shore. The woods are never solitary—they are full of whispering, beckoning, friendly life. But the sea is a mighty soul, forever moaning of some great unshareable sorrow, which shuts itself up into itself for all eternity. We can never pierce its infinite mystery—we may only wander, awed and spell-bound, on the outer fringe of it. The woods call to us with a hundred voices, but the sea has only one—a mighty voice that drowns our souls in its majestic music. The woods are human, but the sea is of the company of archangels.”
--L.M. Montgomery: “Anne’s House of Dreams”

Stepping Heavenward

I’m sitting here pondering
Life…oh, this thing we call life.
How can we measure it
As it spreads across time

There’s no way to know it
Only uncertainty is clear.
It seems we can't understand
Our own reflections in the mirror

Those sands of time keep on shifting,
Patterns of change push us on.
But towards what? Towards whom?
Will the pain be short or long?

As we’re herded along,
Marched onward by time,
One step, then the next
With hardly reason or rhyme

There are those moments
When we must sink to the ground,
Lift up our tear stained faces,
And ask the sky out loud:

How can we grasp in our fingers
The memories we can’t let slip,
While still being ready
For the road’s next curve or dip?

How can we truly love
Those who can't seem to love us?
Can we give from a heart
That knows only mistrust?

How can we be certain
Of decisions good, pure, and right
Is there a way to be sure
Our emotions stay true to light?

How can we really prepare
For what life throws at us next
Will I crumble, will I fail
Will I live up to my best?

I think of heaven sometimes,
When I'm tired of pain and toil,
And I slowly feel my soul
As it begins to unwind, uncoil

I imagine a place
Where beauty abounds,
The heart rests at peace
It sings its joys aloud

I imagine a place
Where all ugliness and strife
Melts away so simply
The many sorrows of life

I imagine a place
Full to the brim with love
So that I’m utterly fulfilled,
Content, and lacking none

I imagine a light
That fiercely illuminates all
So that evil’s not a thought
And I can’t ever fall

To think of this place
Is to bring beauty to our days
It reminds us of a light
That guides us on our way

Yes, time keeps us moving
But not towards what’s unknown
We step always heavenward
As we press on, we’re not alone.


"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained. Join with others in following my example, brothers, and take note of those who live according to the pattern we gave you. For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body."
Phil. 3:14-20

An Invitation

1 "Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.

2 Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.

3 Give ear and come to me;
hear me, that your soul may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
my faithful love promised to David.
4 See, I have made him a witness to the peoples,
a leader and commander of the peoples.

5 Surely you will summon nations you know not,
and nations that do not know you will hasten to you,
because of the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel,
for he has endowed you with splendor."

6 Seek the LORD while he may be found;
call on him while he is near.
7 Let the wicked forsake his way
and the evil man his thoughts.
Let him turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on him,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD's renown,
for an everlasting sign,
which will not be destroyed."

ISAIAH 55

Just One of Those Days

So I am scheduled to house sit for the Smith family for a whole week, and am looking forward to ruling the roost in a house, even if it's just for a week.
I headed over there tonight, armed with my bag, my pillow, and a whole gallon of my favorite mint chip ice cream. I was worried about its lifespan, considering it was 104 degrees here in lovely Auburn today. So I just blasted the air conditioning all the way to the house, thinking how much I was looking forward to an evening of cable, ice cream, and some peace and quiet.
When I got there, I bolted for the house as fast as I could juggling my big armload. Just the walk from the car to the house left me sweating. It's way too hot here. I fit the key into the lock and...nothing. It wouldn't turn. "My arms can't be that weak," I thought, and applied more force. The bag was getting heavy on my shoulder and I started getting antsy from the heat. Still the key wouldn't budge left or right. I walked around the house and tried all four doors, same result. Their three legged dog, Lucky, followed me from door to door, looking at me with big expectant brown eyes. The heat was almost unbearable. To top it off, the back door had a heavy screen door that slammed fiercely on my heel. Suddenly, I had blood dripping down my leg. Great. Just great. And it hurt too.
After another round of unsuccessful tries, I headed over the neighbor's house (with a slight limp), hoping they would know what to do. I hoped I was walking up to the right house...that could be potentially awkward. And why dear God is it so hot? I kept thinking. All the while, my poor ice cream sits on the porch.
The neighbors, who were friends, were super sweet. After walking with me across the street to try all the doors again (did they just assume I had weak arms? Did they not believe I knew how to turn a key?), they deemed the key unworkable, and invited me into the blessedly air conditioned house. They're in the midst of moving, so their house was a bit turned upside down. The wife started to rifle through a huge stack of crinkled papers on the island counter, looking for Mrs. Smith's cell number. As the pile of papers seemed to grow in front of my eyes, I was still thinking about the ice cream...melting on the front porch. I have no idea how anyone could find anything in that stack of papers, but eventually she did.
Of course the cell phone number didn't work, she is in Mexico with no service. We tried calling all the other friends and neighbors, but no one had a key. We spent another 15 minutes trying to remember the name of the hotel they are staying at. We finally remembered that it was Club Med, we had to look it up online. Now neither husband or wife were very internet savvy. They managed to pull up a map of how to get to Cancun, a bunch of Spanish websites, and a toll free number that turned out to be an automated voice system entirely in Spanish... all of which did us absolutely no good.
The minutes dragged, but eventually they were able to get an actual hotel number. More Spanish. "I'm just going to push a random number" the wife said. Luckily (the first lucky thing that happened!), it worked and she was connected with the front desk. We left a message for them in their hotel room and that was all we could do. By then, the sun had started to set, and I was homeward bound once again. So much for my peaceful quiet night.
By the time I drove away with my soggy gallon of ice cream, I was still slightly frazzled. Not nearly as bad as the time I had to pee in the cup for the drug test (another story, another time), but still. Now there's no moral to this story, no happy God-thought that came out of it. I did get a melted ice cream and a bloody leg. And I did learn that it's way too hot in the state of California (maybe i'll move to...Seattle?). But it did make me laugh and I had to think, "It's just one of those days."

A Tidbit About Girls...

"Eve is given to Adam as his ezer kenegdo- or as his "help meet"... helper. Doesn't sound like much does it? It makes me think of Hamburger Helper. However, the word is notoriously difficult to translate, and it means something far more powerful... "lifesaver". The phrase is only used elsewhere of God, when you need him to come through for you desperately. Eve is a lifegiver, she's Adam's ally. It is to both of them that the charter for adventure is given. It will take both of them to sustain life.
Eve is fallen though. Not even the extravagance of Eden could convince her that God's heart is good. When Eve was deceived , the artistry of women took a fateful dive into the barren places of control and loneliness. Now every daughter of Eve wants to control her surroundings, her relationships, her God. No longer is she vulnerable; now she will be grasping. Now she has trouble simply sharing in the adventure, she likes to control it. And as for her beauty, she either hides it in fear and anger, or she uses it to secure her place in the world. In her fear that no one will speak on her behalf, or protect her, or fight for her, she starts to manipulate her surroundings so she doesn't feel defenseless.
Fallen Eve either becomes rigid or she becomes clingy. Eve is no longer simply inviting. She struggles with hiding in busyness, or demanding Adam to rescue her; often it is a combination of both...."
-John Eldridge

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old...

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.  It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here goes:

 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
 4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
 5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. Both of you could be right at the same time.
 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
 8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
 9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
 10. Love your parents because they will be gone before you know it.
 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
 13. Don't compare your life to others' lives. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
 16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
 17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful, or joyful.
 18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
 19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
 22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
 24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
 25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
 27. Always choose to be happy, then you will.
 28. Forgive everyone everything.
 29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
 30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
 32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
 33. Believe in miracles.  Then you see when they happen.
 34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
 35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
 36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
 37. Your children get only one childhood.
 38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. Besides, sunshine makes you feel happy.
 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
 41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
 42. The best is yet to come.
 43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.
 44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.  Open it and say 'Thank you.                 

Bouquet

There’s something about the heady mixture of pine trees, red dirt, and crisp air that gets me all lit up inside. The smell of the mountains, the view of the lake, the tall trees against a blue sky….I love it. I went camping this weekend. I love to camp, I feel like a little girl again and I’m going on a big adventure. I love the smell of campfire smoke, I love the sound of the tent unzipping, I love being cozy in a sleeping bag, I love hot dogs and smores, I love playing card games, I love being able to be grungy and dirty and not worry about showering, I love swimming in the lake, I love the sound of crickets, I love just sitting around for hours in the camp chairs just chatting and telling stories, I love how fresh everything smells, I love how quiet it is.

I always feel like I have time to think and just be still when I’m camping. So here’s what my thoughts were occupied with…

The more we drove out of town, the higher we climbed up the windy road, the more my spirits heightened, burdens lifting. To be in the middle of nature is amazing -- something in me always unwinds. When we pulled up to the lake campsite, the sun was just setting. The clouds were billowing, pink and yellow with the setting sun. The tall trees surrounding the still water were tipped in a mellow gold. There was a slight mist coming off the lake, and the water was glass, reflecting all the colors of the rainbow. I was…well, like a little girl, all aglow with delight. I couldn’t help it!

After we set up camp and ate, and did all that practical stuff, my sisters and I sat on the dock and dangled our feet in the lake. The stars were starting to come out, and their reflection in the lake was… stunning.

Stars never fail to amaze me. I look up, and I love feeling so small. It puts everything back into perspective for me. In all honesty, I could use a lot more time just looking up at the stars. Back at the camp site, we put our sleeping bags outside, curled up in them, and found a spot among the trees where the sky was visible. The tall pine trees were still shadowy and golden, flickering from the fire that was slowly dying just a few feet away. The black sky was peeking through and there were so many glistening stars…

It was breathtaking. Words sometimes are so hard to pin down, but I was utterly content. My arm was looped through Paige's and Shelby's head was resting on my shoulder. I wanted to just be there, mesmerized by the stars, totally peaceful, forever. On my ipod, one of my favorite worship songs came on. I thought it was so very perfect. The lyrics go like this,

“See the way He holds the stars in His hands. See the way He holds my heart.
With just one word from Your mouth were the heavens made. With just one sound from Your lips, the foundations were laid. With just one thought of Your mind, You have wanted me. With just one pulse of Your heart, You are wooing me. You are wooing me.
For God is a lover looking for a lover, so he fashioned me…God is a lover looking for a lover, so He formed my heart.
See the way he holds the stars in His hands, see the way He holds my heart.”

Laying on my back, looking up at the stars cluttering the sky, I thought “I think God is wooing me.” I like it that He holds my heart. It’s so comforting. If He can hold all those stars, He can definitely love me, woo me, hold me in the way I long for. He can hold something as grand as the stars, and treasure something as delicate as my heart.

As I was thinking all this, suddenly lightning streaked across the sky. It was followed closely by a deep roll of thunder.

I’m pretty sure I got chills. I LOVE thunderstorms. Always have.

“No way.” I thought. Just when I thought the night couldn’t get any better, it did!

Someone once told me that she looked at nature and thought of it as “God’s bouquet of flowers for me.” I loved that, and I thought about that comment as God pulled out all the stops. The sunset, the lake, the stars, the lightning and thunder….it’s God saying He loves me. It’s His way of wooing me with a bouquet of flowers (or pine trees, sunsets, stars, and thunder).

Psalm 121

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Peace Transcends Understanding

Doubts. Fears.
No answers, just void.
Empty inside
One foot forward
Now the next
So heavy
When can I rest

Dull thud,
My heart drums
Distant in my ear
A dull ache,
Constantly there
If pain gives strength
Why do I still break?

Tangled mess
Heart and mind battle
Hands grip tight
Clenching white
So thrashed
Tired of seeing the world
Through bloodshot eyes


Calm. Peace.
All is still quiet
But I'm fulfilled inside
One foot forward
Not labored or heavy
Wanting the next step
I finally feel rest

Pitter pat
My heart skips
That's how that feels
I'd almost forgotten
With a flitter
Bitter hurt
Slips into oblivion

Strength comes with time
Heart and mind align
Hands outstretch
Open palms face up
Pain left no trace
Now see the world
In rose colored shades

PEACE...
--"Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peace."
--"But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy great peace."
--"Consider the blameless, observe the upright; there is a future for the man of peace."
-- "I will listen to what God the LORD will say; he promises peace to his people, his saints— but let them not return to folly."
--"Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other."
--"Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble."
--"There is deceit in the hearts of those who plot evil, but joy for those who promote peace."
--"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones."
--"When a man's ways are pleasing to the LORD, he makes even his enemies live at peace with him."
--"Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife."
--"My covenant was with him, a covenant of life and peace, and I gave them to him; this called for reverence and he revered me and stood in awe of my name."
--"True instruction was in his mouth and nothing false was found on his lips. He walked with me in peace and uprightness, and turned many from sin."
--"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God."
--"If the home is deserving, let your peace rest on it; if it is not, let your peace return to you."
--"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
--"Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."
--"Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."
--"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."
--"May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ."
--"Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you."

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up sage in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, imprenetrable, irredeemable." -C.S. Lewis

Africa

Blank, dark eyes
Staring long; pierce my heart
Deep wells of sorrow
They've seen lives torn apart

Smooth, dark skin
Small hands grasping mine
I reach and grab on
Black and white entwine

These children melt me
My heart constricts
Their precious glances
Not possible to forget

The memory remains
Imprinted in my mind
It never strays far
Frozen in time

A parade of young faces
Lined deep with pain
Yet I see their smiles
I hear the refrain

The lilt of joyful words
Lifted up in sweet song
Across the desert sand
The note holds long

This image is clear
Playing round in my head
Next time I feel selfish
I think of them instead

Relentless Love

"God cast a man and a woman out of Paradise. Yet, for all their human flaws and failures, God shows them a way back in:
Love the Lord your God, and love one another. Love one another as He loves. Love with strength and purpose and passion and no matter what comes against you. Don't weaken. Stand against darkness. And always love. That's the way back into Eden. That's the way into life." -Francine River's "Redeeming Love"

I was re-reading Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. It's a retelling of the Hosea story. Most girls love her book because it's a tender, beautiful love story. It's about the unconditional love a man has for his wife. She is a hardened, battered woman who was forced into prostitution at the age of 8. Just as in the Bible story, the Lord told Michael to marry and woo Angel. With incredible tenderness, he breaks down the walls she's built over the years of unimaginable abuse. He teaches her how to love, to feel clean, and how to forget her troubled past. He loves her as though she is the most precious, lovely woman in the entire world. When she runs away, turns her back on Michael, and chooses to be a prostitute again, he doesn't give up on her. Instead, he pursues her, forgives her, and loves her just the same.
What many readers don't see is that while the book is a beautiful story of a husband and wife, no man will be that perfect. No, the story is a metaphor for how Christ loves us. No matter how dirty we are, no matter how often we turn our backs on Him, no matter how much we decline His love, He still gives it freely. Now that is a stunning, tender love story. No matter what other loves we pursue, His voice whispers, "Beloved, come back to me". With a love like that, how can we not pour our own meager love out onto others?
Love is how we make it in this world. The Lord relentlessly loves, pursues, and forgives us. And we in turn should love others in the same manner. Love is the most beautiful thing there is.

Hosea 2:13-16
She decked herself with rings and jewelry,
and went after her lovers,
but me she forgot,"
declares the LORD.
"Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.
There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will sing as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
16 "In that day," declares the LORD,
"you will call me 'my husband';
you will no longer call me 'my master. '

Change in the Winds

I sit here, in my empty dorm room. Honestly, it's incredibly depressing. My heart aches. I'm sad to leave here. The bare mattress, the empty book shelves, the scrubbed counters. So many memories dance through this small space. My dearest friends have come and gone through this door. I've cried countless nights on this bed, but I've also had valuable girl talk curled up on this blanket. I've had dance parties on this carpet. I've pulled all nighters at this desk. I comforted, I listened, I complained, I broke, I healed, I laughed, I stressed...I grew. All in this room.
You can't stop change. It creeps upon you, shoving you forward into that scary unknown. I hate the black abyss we call the future. I try to imagine it, decipher it, figure it out. But it remains allusive, often shocking me with its surprises. I hate moving on. I cling, holding on tightly to what is familiar, what is secure, what is lovable.
Tomorrow I am leaving friends nearest and dearest to my heart. What will have changed when I return to them? How will we have grown up even more? My heart aches at the thought of leaving them, and of leaving this particular time in my life.
You can't stop change. There is a season for everything in this life, or so Ecclesiastes says. But what if you like the current season? How can you tell change to "hold it right there, don't come any closer". Yes, the future may be bright and beautiful, but it is different. This time in my life: the hairbrained, overwhelmed with figuring myself out, crazy 12 units of Torrey with my Plato family, living in nerdy Sigma with my roomie, feeling like an underclassman...that time in life is now over.
To be content in any situation...ah, how often I fail. But sometimes, contentment finds you. And in that moment, you count all your blessings and you find yourself incredibly grateful. So, even though I am sad to be moving forward in life, I am so thankful. I am thankful for the loving and growing I've done with my dear ones, even just within these walls. I am thankful for my moment of contentment, of being filled up with marvelous blessings.
I wish I could face the future and say bravely "bring on the change! I'm ready". But I'm not always that brave. I am, however, sure of a few things: memories are beautiful, friends are always beloved, and God loves to bless us with contentment if we just trust in Him, even during change.

Best Book Ever...My Blue Castle

Valancy looked--and looked--and looked again. There was a diaphanous, lilac mist on the lake, shrouding the island. Through it the two enormous pine-trees that clasped hands over Barney's shack loomed out like dark turrets. Behind them was a sky still rose-hued in the afterlight, and a pale young moon.

Valancy shivered like a tree the wind stirs suddenly. Something seemed to sweep over her soul.

"My Blue Castle!" she said. "Oh, my Blue Castle!"

They got into the canoe and paddled out to it. They left behind
the realm of everyday and things known and landed on a realm of
mystery and enchantment where anything might happen--anything might be true. Barney lifted Valancy out of the canoe and swung her to a lichen-covered rock under a young pine-tree. His arms were about her and suddenly his lips were on hers. Valancy found herself shivering with the rapture of her first kiss.

"Welcome home, dear," Barney was saying.

The Snow is Not Forever

In the stillness
Snow falls silently
The ground is white
Pure white
The cold bites
Stinging cheeks red
There is nothing
All around is empty
Just blank space
Flurries of white
Against a gray sky
And more silence
The hush of snowfall
You are all alone

But close your eyes
See white blossoms
Softly spiral
A dress of white
Pure white
A pink blush
Stains the cheek
There's smiling eyes
And faces all around
Petals dot the ground
As you walk
Airily to him
And you'll never
Be alone again.

P.S.

So I had finished writing the below post and the next day I came across this verse...I couldn't believe my eyes...
"This is what the Lord says: Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls." Jeremiah 6:16
So amazingly perfect for what I've been feeling!

Crossroad

She stands at a crossroad. Alone. At this point in the road, the straight, level path splits into two separate ways. Both paths wind out of her view, shadowed deeply by the overcast of the towering trees. Her small frame shivers slightly in the breeze that sweeps through the forest. She is acutely aware of the pebbles pressing into the soles of her sandals, urging her to move. 5 toes point to the left, while the other foot is angled towards the right. 2 paths. Which to take? The leaves rustle impatiently. The woods are hushed, she hears loudly the unsteady intake of her own breath. Still, she is rooted to the dirt path.
Until this point, her way had been straight...predictable...sunlit. She had danced, laughed and twirled through the flowered meadows. But no more. Now, here she stands, a single dark silhouette, halted at the crossroad.
Darkness approaches. Crickets chirp, filling the silence, but clouding her head with noise. She remains frozen. The gray twilight deepens and neither path looks appealing in the dusk. She tilts her chin up, searching the sky amidst the tangled web of trees. No stars can be seen. No light to guide her.
It is deeply dark, with only hints of moonlight spotting the ground. Still no decision. Craning her neck, she peers down each path, longing desperately for just one sign post to mark the way. To choose the wrong way would mean hours of back tracking or becoming utterly lost in a haunted forest.
The wind picks up, spinning dead leaves around her ankles, whistling eerily in her ear. Choose. She must choose. The chilling cold, the oppressive dark, the movement of scampering animals...all pressure her to move. Move.
But sill, she waits, weighing the decision. Hour after hour she stands, her feet not daring to move an inch. Fear causes her heart to pulsate erratically and more than once she tastes the saltiness of tears streaking down her face. She stays alert. Hour after hour. The black night slowly, painstakingly turns to navy, from navy to gray, from gray to silver, and finally from silver to gold.
Still, she waits. Birds sing deep in the branches. The high trill makes her lift her eyes from the ground for the first time in hours. Mellow sunlight filters through the forest, illuminating the two paths again. She sighs, a deep, heart-wrenching heave that expels all the air from her body. Still, she has no idea. It seems she has stood at that crossroad for an eternity.
It is time for a choice. Left or right? Then...drifting delicately through the forest, she hears the lilting, airy melody of an instrument...perhaps a flute. She does not know its origin, but its refrain puts her heart at instant peace. A smile tilts the sides of her mouth. The sound creates an energy that flows through her body. Her waiting is over. Following the music, she slowly lifts up her foot, leaving behind in the crossroad a small footprint deep in the dirt.

Spiritual Gifts

1. Mercy (11 pts)
2. Encourage (10 pts)
3. Missions, Hospitality, Faith (9 pts)
4. Service (8 pts)
5 Wisdom, Help/Administration (7 pts)
6. Teaching, Pastoring, Leading, Knowledge (5 pts)
7. Evangelize (4 pts)
8. Discerning Spirits (3 pts)
9. Celibacy (0 pts) ha ha

Father, when do I fight
When do I stay still
Do I jump forward
Or wait for you to fulfill
Lord, I am so weak
And I'm feeling lost
Life is up and down
By winds & waves I'm tossed
I trust in your wisdom
I listen for your voice
But what must I do
Why must I make this choice?
Father, hold my hand
Draw near to me I pray
I know that if I call to you
My fears and doubts you'll take

Psalms...

"Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain."

"My soul melts away with sorrow, strengthen me according to your word."

"How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to Your word."

"This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life."

"The lord is my portion; I promise to keep your words. I entreat your favor with all my heart; be gracious to me according to your promise."

"The Lord will keep you from all evil, he will keep your life, The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in, from this time forth and forevermore."

"I am yours, save me, for I have kept your precepts."

"Hear my voice, according to your steadfast love."

"The Lord is your keeper, the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day nor the moon by night."

"Oh Lord, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not too high. I do not occupy myself with things to great and marvelous for me. But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forevermore."

"The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you O Lord have not forsaken those who seek you."

"Indeed none who wait for You will be put to shame."

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and He will act. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him. Fret not yourself"

"Steadfast love and faithfulness meet; righteousness and peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs up from the ground, and righteousness looks down from the sky. Yes, the Lord will give what is good, and our land will yield its increase. Righteousness will go before him and make his footsteps a way."

"I desire to do your will, O my God. Your law is within my heart."

"Behold the eye of the Lord is on those who fear him, on those who hope in his steadfast love, that he may deliver their soul from death and keep him alive in famine. Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust his holy name. Let your steadfast love, Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you."

"Keep me as the apple of your eye, hide me in the shadow of your wings."

I am a tree...

"For there is hope for a tree, if it is cut down, that it will sprout again, and that its shoots will not cease. Though its root grows old in the earth and its stump dies in the hard soil, yet at the scent of water it will bud and put out new branches like a young plant." -Job 14:7-8.

I yearn for water.

I want Heaven!

“This is the land I have been looking for my whole life, though I never knew it till now. The reason why we loved the old Narnia is that it sometimes looked a little like this.” –The Last Battle

My Proverbs (about Personal Relationships)

Thank you to Dr. Jenson, who is not only a favorite professor and super cute, but who kindly set us free today during Torrey to wander campus creating proverbs. My group and I were assigned to write proverbs about personal relationships. We sat at the fountain, watching all the interactions. I notices the smiles, the hugs, the questions, the chatting, the complaining, the laughing, the enjoying, the hitting, the hand-holding, the conversations, the flirting. I also had the pleasure of hanging out with two of the cutest kids ever, Elizabeth and Jack, and their two stuffed bears. Kids bring forward the biggest smiles, they’re so good for the soul. These two bright blondes made me laugh with their adorable chatter and hilarious antics. While doing one of my favorite pastimes (people watching), I thought about the huge need we have for all sorts of human interaction: the relationships between us and friends, parents, children, a beloved. All vitally important. Here are some of our proverbs:
“As pleasant as a warm afternoon, so is a conversation with a dear friend”
“A smile from a person far outweighs a smile typed out”
“A man may have many riches, but without friends he is still poor”
“Friendships make the unbearable bearable”
“As dirt muddies a stream, so romance muddies a friendship”
“A child is the best reminder of joy”
“People need people, for one cannot laugh alone”
“A friendly smile and hug are worth a thousand good grades”
“As an adult helps a child grow older, the child helps the adult be younger”
“Look! It is good and pleasant to dwell together in love with brethren!”
“As makeup reveals or conceals, so a smile can reveal or conceal the state of the soul”

My Favorite Worship Song Right Now

Savior I come quiet my soul. Remember redemption's hill, where your blood was spilled for my ransom. Everything I once held dear, I count it all as lost
Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out. Bring me to my knees, Lord, I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to You. Oh lead me, lead me to the cross.
You were as I tempted and tried. The word became flesh, bore my sin and death; now you're risen. Everything I once held dear, I count it all as lost.
Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out. Bring me to my knees, Lord, I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to You. Oh lead me, lead me to the cross.
To your heart, to your heart. Lead me to your heart, Lead me to your heart.

Break

where did it go
why did you leave me alone
the feeling is fleeting,
my dear, your no longer with me

what did you take, what did you leave
even if it was for my sake
my love, you turned on what I gave
and took what i can't ever regain

so before you fly away,
know i'll never be quite the same
what was is gone and may never come back
my life is all wrong, but i can't go back

you lost a heart worth holding
and a soul worth saving
my life is out of your hands
so put me back on firm land

yours is yours
mine is mine
steps no longer alined
your soul not entwined with mine

Heart Beat

Fragile, fluttering gently, full of emotion, and oh so frail. With every beat my heart drums the call, "love-me, love-me, love-me". Yet, no one answers to the cry. It beats loudly into the emptiness of space, and still no one comes to hold me. My heart fights daily. Fights feelings of inadequacy, of fear, of loneliness, of guilt, of pain. My heart is a fighter, yet it often feels so weak. So vulnerable. It can be crushed with a snap, hurt with a word, broken with a silence. Do I want my heart to be harder? Do I wish for it to beat "leave-me, leave-me, leave-me"? It would avoid so much hurt, derail so much pain. But then, I'd be just a shell of the Callie God made me to be. Someday, I hope there will be someone who sees my heart, sees the love I'm capable of bestowing, and thinks, "that is precious, that is desirable". How can one see a heart? How can one hear that small call? It is displayed through actions, through devotion, through selflessness, through caring, through forgiveness, through cherishing, through passion, through loyalty. It can be felt through a look, a touch, a kind word. When someone answers the call of my heart and thinks that I am worth loving, the cry will change, it will beat, "love-you, love-you, love-you"...

Hosea 2:19-20

I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD"

Ben-Hur

I was watching Ben-Hur today. To those who have not seen it, just do it. It's three hours of your life that you won't mind losing. Yes, it's heart-wrenching and tear-jerking. But it's also heartwarming and the tears come from emotions more than sorrow. I think I love it because it gives another view of the gospel. It tells the story of Jesus from another perspective. To be able to convey all the emotions of the birth, death, and resurrection of the Messiah all through the journey of another man, is a powerful tool, for it is so how God works in all our lives.
My favorite scene makes me cry every time. Sentenced unfairly to the galleys, Judah is dragged through the desert with no water. Reaching the village of Nazareth, the ranks of slaves clamor for water, but are beaten back by Roman guards. All the camera shows is Jesus' strong hands picking up a gourd full of water and taking it over to Judah. As the thirsty man gulps down the water, we see the hands gently stroke his hair, as if to say, "It's all going to be okay. I have a plan, even for this. I love you, and I'm so sorry you have to suffer." As soon as Ben-Hur finishes the water, the camera shows his face as he looks up into the face of his Creator. I can't imagine what it would have been like to experience Jesus in person. The camera never shows Jesus' face, only others' reactions to it. I like this, because in the same way, we can't see his face, but we can react to him. We can see how he is taking care of us, we can see all the ways he is giving us water, even if we are in a desert.
This movie evokes in me a strong emotion of awe. The God we serve is so powerful. How can I doubt that the God of Abraham, of Moses, of David, of Jesus will take care of me! How can I not have full faith in someone who is so utterly capable? And how can I not love someone who is so compassionate? How can I not fully give all I have to Him, this powerful and loving and kind and capable Savior.

Joel 2:23

23 "Be glad, O people of Zion,
rejoice in the Lord your God,
for he has given you
the autumn rains in righteousness.
He sends you abundant showers,
both autumn and spring rains, as before."

This verse is hopeful. I look at it and think, He always blesses those who are righteous. He never fails to look after us. Even though there are difficult seasons in our life, we will be replenished. He won't ever turn his back on us, but will refresh, renew, restore.

Joy Sonnet

A smile lights the eyes from a joy within.
It’s not a fleeting feeling or notion,
Joy’s there with you, no matter where or when.
It’s a somewhat rare human emotion;
Not all can smile no matter what comes.
And joy is not always easy to have,
Joy is for one who trusts, has peace, and loves;
No matter what happens you still can laugh.
Just like a brook bubbling along the ground,
Merrily going its way over stones,
Not caring about the world all around,
No storm, cold frost, or any wind that moans.
It still is constantly tripping along,
Happy, content, always singing a song.

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are 
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten 
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy....... The apples 
at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they are 
amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one 
who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.


Math Class "Be Creative" Assignment

What if life were dull
We only existed to breathe
The only point in waking
Was to eat, sleep, repeat

What if there was no beauty
No birds, no meadow, no sky
Without sunshine, or lull of the sea
Why should we even try

What if there was no music
To evoke emotion in our soul
No sweet strain of melody
That makes us feel at home

But it is not so, life can be full
Full of laughter, of sunsets, of dance
Life isn't just the day to day drudge
You have to look and find its romance

Jennifer and Jim kept getting huge water bills. They knew beyond a doubt that the bills weren't representative of their actual usage. But no matter how they tried to conserve, the high bills continued. Although they could see nothing wrong, they had everything checked for leaks or problems: first the water meter, then outdoor pipes, indoor pipes, underground pipes, faucets, toilets, washer, ice-maker, etc., all to no avail. One day Jim was sick and stayed home in bed, but kept hearing water running downstairs. He finally tore himself from his sick bed to investigate, and stumbled onto the cause of such high water bills. Apparently this was happening all day long when they were not at home. Knowing that few would believe him, he taped a segment of the 'problem' for posterity.

Psalm 38:8-9

I am feeble and utterly crushed;
I groan in anguish of heart.

All my longings lie open before you, O Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.

Seasons

Spring. Flower blossoms begin to bloom, tiny dots of pink and white show on the tops of tree bows. Birds chirp happily, the sunlight basks everything in a mellow yellow. The air smells fresh, the breeze is a mild cool breath, everything seems to dazzle a bit. I think of the sound of a baseball bat, the smell of freshly mowed lawn, the sound of crickets by the creek, the tranquility of perfect warm, glowing sunshine. Footsteps are lighter, fashions are cuter, freckles are darker. In the springtime, new things seem suddenly possible. Maybe you'll finally kiss that boy, today you'll go for that run around the track, you'll make a fabulous meal, or do something crazy with your girlfriends. Spring is the artistic season. The season of paint brushes and poems and piano movements and, my personal favorite, roses.

Summer. The smell of chlorine and sunscreen comes to mind. You walk outside and feel like a cookie being popped into a warm oven. Oh how I long for those lazy days of summer. Ice tea and lemonade, lounging by water, hikes down creeks, long primrose twilights. Summer nights are my favorite. What seems to have wilted during the day become revitalized with the peaceful calm of the setting sun. The stars are especially breathtaking. When I imagine summer, I see campfires with smores,endless card games, candles, the hum of fans, movie nights, smoothies and ice cream. In the summer, you can feel your whole self recharge. You can dream of exotic vacations with palm trees and an aqua ocean with smooth white beaches. Summer is the adventurous season. The season of hiking, camping, swimming, boating, and, my favorite, traveling.

Autumn. Just the name itself speaks of mystery, intrigue, beauty, artistry. Leaves turn into brilliant shades of emerald, burgundy, orange, and gold. The whole world seems turned into a fairy world. Fogs roll in, bewitching the world with its secrecy. The rain begins to replenish the green earth, causing unfurled umbrellas and frolicking in puddles. Stormy clouds make the house seem cozy and the grey sky seems eerie in a fascinating, magical way. Blankets, socks, and scarfs come back into use. I think of the smell of wood burning, the rain pattering, the teapot whistling. Autumn is the romantic season. The season of intimacy, of friendship, of reflection, of beauty, of, my favorite, reading.

Winter. There is a gentle hush, the soft downy flakes of snow, the wild stormy nights, the taste of rich dark hot chocolate. Twinkle lights begin to introduce the Christmas season. Christmas. Excitement, cheer, joy, decorations, memories. The world seems bare and stark and grey, yet it is beautiful in its melancholy. If the snow comes, it covers everything in pure white and the world is transformed into a wonderland of magic. The nip of the crystal cold air leaves an invigorating energy. Snow men, the smell of a heater, woolen caps, the soft silence of snow covered terrain. I think of chocolate, the aromatic smell of pine trees, the tinkle of ornaments, the vibrant green color against the white of snow, the aroma of fresh baked cookies, the soft crunch of boots on snow, the twinkling of clear icicles in the shallow sunlight. Winter is the season of memories. The season of following age old traditions, of being cozy, of playing the same games in the snow, of being together as a family.

My Article for the Point Magazine

The presence of God stretches over any boundary, and His powerful hand reaches across the expansions of the globe. Even in the Sin City of Las Vegas, Tamryn Fyvie, Will Anderson, and Matt Draper, three Journalism students from Biola, saw God move in a way that forever changed their lives. For a class trip, the three students were in a Las Vegas housing community going door to door interviewing its residents about the effects of the economic recession on the neighborhood. Knocking on a particular door, they were greeted by an Indian man, Rajan Abraham, who had just moved to Vegas from India in order to become a missionary by starting a church. He struck up a conversation with Tamryn, Will, and Matt and invited them into his home. “I had the impression that he was very Spirit- led,” Tamryn reflects. Abraham continued to share his inspirational experiences as a pastor in India, about how he had seen the Lord heal and convert thousands.
Before the journalism team had to leave, he asked to pray over them. As the four bowed their heads, Rajan began to pray specifically into each of the three students’ lives. He brought before the Lord individual needs that they had not expressed to him, but had shared amongst themselves along the drive. All three felt the presence of the Holy Spirit throughout the room, and found themselves moved to tears. Abraham prayed passionately for certain hardships and for the futures of these young men and women. “It was very affirming to me, and strengthened me in certain ways,” says Matt, for he felt the presence of God and His active power moving in his life. Will, a Biola senior, was inspired by Rajan’s prayer for his future as a man of God. “God has been continuing to work through this, this experience has bled over into a lot of other things in my life,” he recounts. Abraham’s insight into their personal struggles was such immense encouragement to them, for it demonstrated God’s active presence. The prayers of Rajan Abraham and the powerful work of God did not just stop with the lives of the three Biola students. 
 As they left the house, Tamryn, moved by Abraham’s demonstration of faith and a growing belief in the healing power of prayer, asked if he would pray for her 5 year old cousin. Christopher VonBiljon lives in South Africa, and suffers from a fatal cell disease. He had been growing progressively worse over the last four months, even after a bout of chemotherapy; he wasn’t expected to live much longer. The Indian pastor promised to pray as the Journalism team left his home. The next morning, Tamryn received an email from her aunt in South Africa with the news that Christopher’s newest biopsy had come back miraculously clean. He had been healed through the power of prayer. Tamryn was overjoyed for her small cousin, who had suffered for much of his short life. “God is so good, and He really does move,” she said.
Looking back, the students all agreed that it was clear that the “Lord had led them directly to Rajan.” Their experience in the suburban home of Las Vegas affected each of their lives, “It’s more than just a story, It’s a challenge,” said Will. All three were inspired to live outside the boundaries of normal faith. Matt agreed, “It helped me to embrace what I need to be doing.” Trusting God’s presence can change a heart, and having faith in His power can move mountains, or, in this case, travel to the other side of the globe. God is a God that is outside of the pages of the Bible, outside of the Biola community, outside of the borders of California, and even outside the United States. He heals, He speaks, and He can inspire faith, just as Will, Matt, and Tamryn experienced personally.

My Favorite Fictional Character, Anne of Green Gables

Jonah Day. Depths of despair. Kindred Spirits. Lake of Shining Water. Cordelia. Redheaded Snippet. Avonlea.
If it were possible to find a soul mate in a fictional character, Anne would be mine. I have never related with anyone the way I relate to her. Reading about her in the books by L.M. Montgomery is like reading a window into my soul. Anne is a skinny and freckled with red curls. She is a bookworm who is infatuated with nature, with beauty, with light, with thought, and most of all, with imagination. She loves to read, she loves school, she likes to work hard at whatever she sets her mind to. She's ambitious and headstrong and incredibly stubborn. She ends up marrying her best friend, Gilbert, who used to be her worst enemy. She always loves her bosom friend, Diana, who she is ever faithful to. She loves hard, and devotedly. She is passionate and creative. For me, reading about her is like a breath of fresh spring air. She is always optimistic, always dreaming, always wandering through meadows of wild flowers. She loves her home, her family, her friends, her life. She sees the joy in everything, and uses her imagination when true beauty can't be found. And, my favorite part, she is a writer....she gets that dreamy look in her eyes as she is building new castles in the sky. Not many people need to express their imaginative and romantic temperament through writing, so I love it that she does. Anne delights in all the allure this world can offer.

Quotes from the Movie:

I'd like city life for a while, but I've come to the conclusion that I prefer the sound of the wind in the firs much more than the tinkling of crystal."

"I must learn to reflect a little before I rush headlong into disaster!"

"You know, we are rich, we have 19 years to our credit and we have wonderful imaginations. We should be as happy as queens. Look at this view, we couldn't enjoy it anymore if we had ropes of diamonds. I am perfectly content with my string of pearls. Matthew gave them to me with as much love as anyone. I am happy, Diana, and nothing will hold me back."

"Tomorrow is a fresh day, with no mistakes in it."

"Make a little room in your life for romance, Anne Girl. None of the degrees or scholarships in the world can replace it."

"I don't want sunbursts or marble halls. I just want you."

"I went looking for my ideals outside of myself until I discovered that it's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it. The dreams that are dearest to my heart are right here."

How Many Shirts Can You Make With One Scarf?

Quotes from Lizzie

"To sit alone in the lamplight with a book spread out before you and hold intimate conversations with men and women of unseen generations--such is a pleasure beyond compare." -Yoshido Kenko

"I slept and dreamt that life was joy
I awoke and saw that life was service
I acted and behold, service was joy."
-Rabindranath Tagore

Near

His fingers are entwined
Tenderly holding mine
The soft rise of breathing
The sound of a heart beating
The comfort of strong arms
I cannot wander far
Stronghold, Father, King
I'm under the shadow of your wing.

"Happy is he, whose heart hath found the art
to turn his double pains into double praise" --George Herbert

Make Me Over

I've been silent instead of speaking up
Gave my advice instead of giving love
I've been unfair, faithless, and unkind
I've shut my eyes just so I would stay blind
It's not what I meant to do, cause I want to honor you

Make me over, make me new
Make me a mirror, a reflection of you
Take me all apart
Take me to your heart
And hold me closer
Jesus, make me over

Take away the part that whispers in the dark
Take the stone out of the middle of my heart
Hidden underneath all of my insecurities
Is the servant that you destined me to be
Day after precious day, I get in my own way

Make me over, make me new
Make me a mirror, a reflection of you
Take me all apart
Take me to your heart
And hold me closer
Sweet Savior, make me over

I am only here because of your majesty
I'm dust and clay on the wind
Wash me in the river of your sacrifice
Until I'm changed and purified

Take me all apart
Take me to your heart
And pull me closer
My Jesus, Make me over.
Make me over

--Natalie Grant

From "Blue Like Jazz"

ABOUT SELFLESSNESS...

"My life testifies that the first thing I believe is that I am the most important person in the world. My life testifies to this because I care more about my happiness than about anybody else. I am learning to believe better things. I am learning to believe that other people exist, that fashion is not truth; rather, Jesus is the most important figure in history, and the gospel is the most powerful force in the universe. I am learning not to be passionate about empty things, but to cultivate passion for justice, grace, truth, and communicate the idea that Jesus likes people and even LOVES them."

"For a moment, sitting above the city, I imagined life outside narcissism. I wondered how beautiful it might be to think of others as more important than myself. I wondered at how peaceful it might be not to be pestered by this childish voice that wants for pleasure and attention. I wondered what it would be like not to live in a house of mirrors, everywhere I go being reminded of myself. I think every well-adjusted-human being has dealt squarely with his or her own depravity. I think Jesus feels strongly about communicating the idea of our brokenness, and I think it is worth reflection. Nothing can change in the Congo until you and I figure out what is wrong with the person in the mirror."
--Donald Miller

I feel you in my heart...But I don't even know you now
I see you in my dreams...But you don't care for me somehow
I hold you in my thoughts...But you don't even remember me
How can you not still see what we used to be
Who am I and who are you...One has become two
But that doesn't seem to bother you
How do we fit into the scheme of things...
Was the love only a lie... just a tease
I've let you go...But you don't even notice it
I smile bravely so you can't see my attachment
I hurt each day ...But you don't care to stop my pain
By now I'm getting strong enough to keep tears at bay
I want your security...But you don't seem to need my support
So here I go...Watch me find someone who wants my heart as bad as I want yours

"The object of the writer is to show the tremendous influence of the environment on the human character and destiny" --Stephen Crane.

Friends

Friends are the salt of the earth. The joy of life. The breath of spring air. The melody line in music. What would a girl do without good friends? Sure, nails would be left unpainted and we'd go crazy from not enough gab time. But in all honesty, I am so thankful for good friends. There is something so wonderful about being uplifted by friends who whole heartedly love you. Who want the best for you and allow you to be 100% yourself. No matter what state you're in.
I thank God for sisters. I feel bad for any girl who doesn't get to experience the blessing of having built in best friends. Right now I'm thinking of ice cream in dark rooms, listening to the rain. I'm thinking of dance parties. I'm thinking about sitting on the roof (and me freaking out). I'm thinking about 3 hour phone conversations. I'm thinking about Gilmore Girls and Friends. I'm thinking about all three of us squooshed on a twin bed. So this is a thank you to my sisses.
Right now, I'm also bursting with gratefulness for wise women! I pray that one day I'll be one! I hope that I can be that loving and wise and kind. That I will have the answers to all of life's problems, that I will remember what it's like to be 19. I know that my life's experiences are teaching me to be someone who can impart love and wisdom by sharing what I've learned. It's amazing to think that one day I will be in their shoes, dealing with a new set of experiences, and other girls will be in my place, feeling things similar to what I feel now. I hope that I will be able to pour into them as much wisdom and love as has been poured into me.

"Friendship is the single soul dwelling in two bodies"--Aristotle.
"The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it."--Ralph Waldo Emerson
"The friendship that can cease has never been real." --Saint Jerome
"I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends." --Walt Whitman
"A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same." --Elbert Hubbard
"Friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life." --Thomas Jefferson
"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." --Marcel Proust
"There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship." --Saint Thomas Aquinas

We dream of no end,
no hello's and no goodbye's
We dream of no fear,
no being wrong or questions why
We dream of holding everything dear,
squeezed tightly in our hands
We dream of freedom, not loneliness.
We dream of love with a chance
We'll be waiting for heaven I guess
Only there is beauty endless

"Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person to bring that relationship to a right standing before God."

"She loved being out alone at night. she liked the great white clouds that occasionally sailed over the stars. she felt as she always felt, when alone with the night, that she shared some lovely secret with the darkness."-L.M Montgomery

Memories

Memories are like chocolate: bitter sweet and melting softly away, leaving just a lingering aftertaste that isn't as enticing as the real thing.
People come and go. Life is a steady stream of time. The water can be still, bleakly stretching into the future. Or, you might be tossed about in a turbulent flurry with harsh temperatures and stinging saltiness on your face. And then there are the beautiful spaces in time where the light glows on your face and the water gently tugs you towards a horizon streaked with the colors of a sunset.
But anyway you look at it, you are moving forward. Sometimes, almost always unexpectedly, a taste, a smell, a sound triggers a memory. You taste all of it's sweetness... you can feel the warmth on your face, you can picture those eyes, you can remember that feeling...but all too soon the sweetness turns bitter, for it is a place far removed and a person long gone.
How much should we look back? How much should we anticipate the future?
Time moves us on...all too quickly. So take it all in now. Embrace it. This moment. It might be a sweet memory needed in the bleak future, or it might be a painful one that causes you to move towards a hopeful horizon.

Psalm 16

"Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge.
I say to the Lord,
"You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing."
I say of the godly who are in the land,
They are noble people in whom is all my delight.
Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup
You have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places
surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I will praise the Lord who counsels me.
even at night my heart instructs me.
I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
With him at my right hand I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices,
my body will also rest secure, because You will not abandon me,
nor will you let your faithful one decay.
You make known to me the path of life.
You fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand."

I loved this Psalm...I loved the sense of peace and security it wrapped me in. I truly am God's child. He's got me. I love David, the Psalms are like candy for me. They give you a glimpse into this amazingly forgiving, compassionate, strong, faithful God. My favorite part is the fact that David's heart was close enough to God's that it could counsel David and be right. If only my heart could be this right on!
This Psalm speaks of inexplicable joy in God's presence, and also of utter peace we have knowing that we have a delightful, secure life because He's planned it. I cannot be shaken as long as I have Him at my right hand. I can trust God's promises.
How can one doubt the blessings of our Father?

Thoughts of Paige

Hurt Happens. Why? We open up, we close up. We react. Not always to real thoughts but to emotions. We react not to our minds but to our hearts. We try to block out what we know as fact. We close our eyes to the truth, the reality...because it’s harsh. Instead we focus on what is unreal, imaginary, our deepest hope. Hoping without reason the outcome will change. That our wishful thinking might come true. That it might actually change reality-- reality that tells us what we don’t want to hear, makes us aware of things we don’t want to see, and changes us into people we don’t want to be. What does hurt do? Does it change us for the better or the worse? Does it grow us or shrink us into the worse possible imitation of ourselves? Does it get us up on our feet or just tear us to the ground? Do we let it defeat us? Cause defeat is often the outcome... the outcome for those who have no imagination, no hope, and no understanding of what it truly means to listen to your heart. Defeat is a choice. A choice to get up without a smile. To cry instead of laugh. To hate instead of love. And to live in harsh reality not in hope. The hope that each day we get up it will be better than the last. Positivity can change you, and change can be for the best. But somehow we twist the good. Why? Because to many, good is imaginary and bad is reality. But for us who decide against negativity, bad is not bad at all, and good is in the heart. Even in the hearts of the hurting, the utterly broken. Why do we put our head in our hands and worry anyway? Hurt can not last forever. We worry that yet again our heart will break and when it does it will no longer be able to mend. But hearts are always mendable. They were made like that. They were made to be loved and broken. Healed and hurt. Its all a part of who we were made to be. We are all broken. We all get hurt. And we all hurt others. Its all about timing and waiting until eventually imagination finally becomes reality and that hope emotion does leak into action. Waiting until someone heals the hurt, mends the unmendable, and loves the most unlovable part of your inner closed-up soul...

broken cycle

questioning gets you nowhere does it. questions are left with no answers and no one to answer them. why is thinking so painful and learning such a process. why is fighting exhausting and at times seems so pointless. i guess its because it leaves you wondering if it was really worth fighting for. how do we tell when we are falling and holding on to a blind emotion. how do we know when it wont all be in vain. it wont come to nothing. it will instead have the outcome we are dreaming of, hoping for, fighting for. aren’t we all just sick of the mundane? the let down. but still we let down. we settle. and when unhappiness inevitably comes, we wonder why. we all wish for the difference. the person that will make the difference. a time when change comes. when happiness doesn't rest in people or places. because people let you down. haven’t we learned that yet? they lie, bitch, gossip, judge...and thats just on a monday. but then comes another question i have to ask. why do we end up doing the things we hate the most? we hate liars but how many times have we twisted truth. we hurt the ones we love the hardest. we give our time to people who don’t give it back. hand our hearts to those who end up breaking it. judge those who are judging us. hate those who have what we want. and wish to lash back at the person who latest lashed at us. then comes a cascading effect of one hurting person getting back at another. a line of broken people is the outcome. if only this process could somehow, some way stop sooner.